Disability & Working: Messy Feelings
Warning: This blog post contains personal introspection of mental health, mentions of ableism, internalized ableism, emotional abuse, and suicidal ideation. Oh, also rambling.
Hey folks, I haven’t been super active on here lately & that is because I have been super busy. Like busier than I have in a long time, I have a job again, and many other adult things I've set in motion. Something I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to have for the last year. This development has been...interesting...
For the first time in years I am able to do this, have a job I mean. This is largely due to finally being on anti-depressants that:
1. Don’t give me debilitating headaches/migraines.
2. Have actually greatly lessened the weight of my depression & anxiety.
For those who follow me on twitter for the past year may remember my various tweets talking about the awful pain I was in. And before the migraines and twitter, going to work induced a lot of panic attacks & just downward spiraling of my mental health. There were other circumstances that made having a job impossible, one being I burnt myself out during my last job (which was 2 years ago). I really should not have been working especially not at that particular place, but was forced to by an emotional abuser who decided that working was better than prioritizing my own health.
Capitalism + Ableism convinces people of that all the time.
By the time I left I was suffering from suicidal ideation, though was fortunate to realize I needed help, which I sought. I'll save the memories of getting that help another day.
Anyway, here I am again doing what I’m..."suppose" to do. Not only do I have a job, but I'm also starting classes in the fall, only a month from now. I've been doing a lot of adult things in the last couple months, and mostly on my own. I applied for medicaid, choose and met my new doctor, registered and paid for classes, dating, and got this new job. I've been able to remember to get refills for my medication on time. All of these things have been tasks I've greatly struggled to accomplish, or stick to on a regular basis, not just when I had migraines but since before I was a legal adult.
I've gotten some mixed responses to doing all of this, and plenty of my own mixed feelings on it. There are people I wish were proud of me, and some I feel are a little too proud. Both are for the same reason, the deeply ingrained sentiment that being disabled and unable to work is a horrible moral failure. Although I know it's a damaging belief, and have come to learn through years of my own experience and from the voices of disabled activists...the feelings of shame still weigh on me at the same time I berate myself for those feelings.
Especially since I'm surrounded everyday by ableism everyday. Social media has been one of the few ways to connect with people that relate to me and provide counter thoughts to the ableism I've been raised in. I'm not sure if I'd still be here without it.
I have other feelings about working again, I'm excited to have a regular income rather than cleaning family member's homes, or occasional dogsitting for a little bit of spending money.
You know what I'm really looking forward to? Once those people calm down about how happy they are about me working again, I WON'T HAVE TO GET PROBING QUESTIONS ABOUT IF I'M WORKING OR WHY I'M NOT WORKING!...But then I feel sad about that too mixed with the relief. It's frustrating to do even just partly do a thing not because it's good for me, or something I genuinely want to do...but in the hopes I will be less judged. My worth as a person is more than on whether or not I can work, and I wish a lot of people in my life realized that. They don't even realize they're doing it.
Then there is the anxiety regarding my limitations and needs as an Autistic adult trying to keep the job I've earned. I choose not to disclose being Autistic or mention. accommodations I may need during the interview or the first few days of work. I want to be more open about my truth, but I have to be careful about when and how I do that. I once made the mistake of asking about accommodations for exams in a full classroom with my professor and I instantly heard scoffing from classmates and was given dirty looks.
Still I try to live my truth if I can, it's not always safe, but I hope when it is safe I can help destigmatize autism and the misconceptions around it. Though I'm not always a good judge, and yes I'm aware possibly being harassed online or maybe even stalked are a possibility when having a platform online.
I already made the mistake of mentioning my blog and twitter to a coworker after they told me they were a youtuber. Now I'm paranoid about them reading this and potentially telling other coworkers or our bosses. Not because I assume they'd maliciously do that, but fear the possibility of so or even just out me by mistake. Hi coworker if you're reading this! 😰
Look I'm putting myself at risk of shit right now, but I can't help myself cause I want to share myself! I just want the world to see me for who I really am and accept me! Spilling my guts out is something I've done since early childhood, like a pathological need to reject the masks people wanted me to wear.
I have been able to talk to one of my managers about being Autistic since I started, as I privately asked if I could wear my ear protection when working in the back as some of the noise back there can be overstimulating.
Here is a picture of the kind of ear protection I wear sometimes.
I was allowed to use them, the manager said she'd let the other managers know I'd be wearing them when back there, and this gave me some hope. But yesterday...I was being trained for a different task, and I nearly had an Autistic meltdown from both lots of noise and interacting with lots of people at once. I tried to help myself, I went to another manager, and asked if I there was something else they could have me do. Their response...was not helpful.
"Well...I guess I could but you only have a couple more hours here and you have someone helping you. And it'll go by really fast."
Their tone wasn't harsh, it was mostly encouraging however still clear that if I insisted it would not look good on me.
We were not in a private place for me to really get into why I needed to be moved and my anxiety already fairly high, so having that conversation was just not possible in that state. I was on the verge of tears and terrified that maybe they didn't know and might react badly to my explanation. Reluctantly I said sure, and walked back to my station to continue working, which did not go by fast.
Honestly I'm not sure if I should try another time to explain what was going on with me, they could be understanding like the other manager, or be misinformed. Worst case scenario I could very well be fired, like many of my fellow Autistic people have been fired after disclosing being Autistic. All they'd have to do to justify doing so would claim some other reason for doing so outside of being Autistic. There is a reason why unemployment rates for Autistic adults are very low.
So anyhow, up until yesterday work was going pretty smoothly for me, hopefully the managers will see that I wasn't a good fit for that
particular task and keep to work where more in where my strengths lie. But...if they don't I'm not sure what I'll do. I know putting me in a situation where my mask has to be firmly placed on during high stress is detrimental for my mental health. Especially for long periods of time at a regular basis. Yes in theory I can simply put in a two week notice, but past experience taught me that comes with a lot of people being disappointed, frustrated, and angry with me. Sometimes abusive.
Yes, even with people who know I'm Autistic, have chronic depression, and are very familiar with these pieces of me, they're convinced I couldn't or shouldn't be like those "other" ones. Hoping for the possibility I'll grow out of it, or just be not be so Autistic or depressed it actually effects my everyday life and instead just be kind of "quirky," or "blue."
I hope that this post helps give anyone going through something similar, some validation in knowing they're not alone. Your disability accommodations deserve to be met. But you are also enough just as you are, and are deserving of love. Even though your family and friends say or imply otherwise.
Hey folks, I haven’t been super active on here lately & that is because I have been super busy. Like busier than I have in a long time, I have a job again, and many other adult things I've set in motion. Something I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to have for the last year. This development has been...interesting...
For the first time in years I am able to do this, have a job I mean. This is largely due to finally being on anti-depressants that:
1. Don’t give me debilitating headaches/migraines.
2. Have actually greatly lessened the weight of my depression & anxiety.
For those who follow me on twitter for the past year may remember my various tweets talking about the awful pain I was in. And before the migraines and twitter, going to work induced a lot of panic attacks & just downward spiraling of my mental health. There were other circumstances that made having a job impossible, one being I burnt myself out during my last job (which was 2 years ago). I really should not have been working especially not at that particular place, but was forced to by an emotional abuser who decided that working was better than prioritizing my own health.
Capitalism + Ableism convinces people of that all the time.
By the time I left I was suffering from suicidal ideation, though was fortunate to realize I needed help, which I sought. I'll save the memories of getting that help another day.
Anyway, here I am again doing what I’m..."suppose" to do. Not only do I have a job, but I'm also starting classes in the fall, only a month from now. I've been doing a lot of adult things in the last couple months, and mostly on my own. I applied for medicaid, choose and met my new doctor, registered and paid for classes, dating, and got this new job. I've been able to remember to get refills for my medication on time. All of these things have been tasks I've greatly struggled to accomplish, or stick to on a regular basis, not just when I had migraines but since before I was a legal adult.
I've gotten some mixed responses to doing all of this, and plenty of my own mixed feelings on it. There are people I wish were proud of me, and some I feel are a little too proud. Both are for the same reason, the deeply ingrained sentiment that being disabled and unable to work is a horrible moral failure. Although I know it's a damaging belief, and have come to learn through years of my own experience and from the voices of disabled activists...the feelings of shame still weigh on me at the same time I berate myself for those feelings.
Especially since I'm surrounded everyday by ableism everyday. Social media has been one of the few ways to connect with people that relate to me and provide counter thoughts to the ableism I've been raised in. I'm not sure if I'd still be here without it.
I have other feelings about working again, I'm excited to have a regular income rather than cleaning family member's homes, or occasional dogsitting for a little bit of spending money.
You know what I'm really looking forward to? Once those people calm down about how happy they are about me working again, I WON'T HAVE TO GET PROBING QUESTIONS ABOUT IF I'M WORKING OR WHY I'M NOT WORKING!...But then I feel sad about that too mixed with the relief. It's frustrating to do even just partly do a thing not because it's good for me, or something I genuinely want to do...but in the hopes I will be less judged. My worth as a person is more than on whether or not I can work, and I wish a lot of people in my life realized that. They don't even realize they're doing it.
Then there is the anxiety regarding my limitations and needs as an Autistic adult trying to keep the job I've earned. I choose not to disclose being Autistic or mention. accommodations I may need during the interview or the first few days of work. I want to be more open about my truth, but I have to be careful about when and how I do that. I once made the mistake of asking about accommodations for exams in a full classroom with my professor and I instantly heard scoffing from classmates and was given dirty looks.
Still I try to live my truth if I can, it's not always safe, but I hope when it is safe I can help destigmatize autism and the misconceptions around it. Though I'm not always a good judge, and yes I'm aware possibly being harassed online or maybe even stalked are a possibility when having a platform online.
I already made the mistake of mentioning my blog and twitter to a coworker after they told me they were a youtuber. Now I'm paranoid about them reading this and potentially telling other coworkers or our bosses. Not because I assume they'd maliciously do that, but fear the possibility of so or even just out me by mistake. Hi coworker if you're reading this! 😰
Look I'm putting myself at risk of shit right now, but I can't help myself cause I want to share myself! I just want the world to see me for who I really am and accept me! Spilling my guts out is something I've done since early childhood, like a pathological need to reject the masks people wanted me to wear.
I have been able to talk to one of my managers about being Autistic since I started, as I privately asked if I could wear my ear protection when working in the back as some of the noise back there can be overstimulating.
I was allowed to use them, the manager said she'd let the other managers know I'd be wearing them when back there, and this gave me some hope. But yesterday...I was being trained for a different task, and I nearly had an Autistic meltdown from both lots of noise and interacting with lots of people at once. I tried to help myself, I went to another manager, and asked if I there was something else they could have me do. Their response...was not helpful.
"Well...I guess I could but you only have a couple more hours here and you have someone helping you. And it'll go by really fast."
Their tone wasn't harsh, it was mostly encouraging however still clear that if I insisted it would not look good on me.
We were not in a private place for me to really get into why I needed to be moved and my anxiety already fairly high, so having that conversation was just not possible in that state. I was on the verge of tears and terrified that maybe they didn't know and might react badly to my explanation. Reluctantly I said sure, and walked back to my station to continue working, which did not go by fast.
Honestly I'm not sure if I should try another time to explain what was going on with me, they could be understanding like the other manager, or be misinformed. Worst case scenario I could very well be fired, like many of my fellow Autistic people have been fired after disclosing being Autistic. All they'd have to do to justify doing so would claim some other reason for doing so outside of being Autistic. There is a reason why unemployment rates for Autistic adults are very low.
So anyhow, up until yesterday work was going pretty smoothly for me, hopefully the managers will see that I wasn't a good fit for that
particular task and keep to work where more in where my strengths lie. But...if they don't I'm not sure what I'll do. I know putting me in a situation where my mask has to be firmly placed on during high stress is detrimental for my mental health. Especially for long periods of time at a regular basis. Yes in theory I can simply put in a two week notice, but past experience taught me that comes with a lot of people being disappointed, frustrated, and angry with me. Sometimes abusive.
Yes, even with people who know I'm Autistic, have chronic depression, and are very familiar with these pieces of me, they're convinced I couldn't or shouldn't be like those "other" ones. Hoping for the possibility I'll grow out of it, or just be not be so Autistic or depressed it actually effects my everyday life and instead just be kind of "quirky," or "blue."
I hope that this post helps give anyone going through something similar, some validation in knowing they're not alone. Your disability accommodations deserve to be met. But you are also enough just as you are, and are deserving of love. Even though your family and friends say or imply otherwise.
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